Marriage Workshop / Coaching Event Replay: “He’s Irresponsible”

This is a replay from the first marriage workshop I did a few weeks ago (shared with attendee permission, of course!).  

Much of this is more like a coaching session, which is great so you can watch to get a feel for my coaching style and also hopefully take away a lot of great tips and tools to help you start improving your relationships NOW.

In this particular situation, we talk about an example where a friend of mine felt irritated because her husband didn’t put their kids to bed when she wanted him to, and more specifically, we dive into her thought that this meant he was irresponsible.

Have you ever felt this way?!

If so, you are not alone.  

Tune in to hear more – and while you are at it, be sure to check out the example worksheet included below (it’s free) that follows along with the video – so much value there!!


💕 Deise

P.S. Looking to work with a coach to create a better marriage without having to change your partner first?! 

Message me and let’s chat.  


Be sure to check out the example worksheet included below (it’s free) that follows along with this video – so much value there!!

Love this?  Be sure to subscribe on YouTube. Would love your help getting to 100 subscribers so I can get a customized URL for my channel! 😉


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  • What we think happens in relationships vs. what actually happens.
  • How having expectations and tying our response to the other person’s behavior affects us.
  • How our judgments of others tend to be a projection and reflect back in our own behavior
  • Ways to see our version of the story as just the story our brain is telling vs. the factual reality.
  • How to create a more intentional result when desired and cultivate a better relationship with our partners.
  • How it only takes ONE person to change a relationship (we can change our marriage relationships without having to change our partners first!)
  • And more!


Example Worksheet: Google Drive Document



Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!


Looking to take your relationship to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like and we’ll get all of your questions answered.

There are no strings attached, and there is no pressure to work with me.  

This call will be well worth your time, no matter what you decide.


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“We Should Go to Bed at the Same Time”

A manual is anytime we have expectations of the other person and we are tying how we feel to what they do (or don’t do).

We think their behavior determines how we feel and want them to behave a certain way so we can feel happy and loved.

At the same time, we often don’t tell the other person what’s in our manual – thinking they should know and we shouldn’t have to ask – or we don’t even realize we have this manual for them in the first place.

It may seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be very damaging when our emotional happiness is directly tied to their behaving a certain way. We think we would be happier if someone else behaved a different way, but this isn’t the truth.

“Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something. No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others power to determine how we feel.” TLCS

When you subscribe to manuals, you put your emotions in the hands of others. And if those people don’t follow the manual (which they usually don’t!), then you are guaranteed to feel terrible. You then unknowingly blame the other person for how you feel, giving away control of your emotional life to someone else and cementing your own sense of powerlessness.

Relationships improve dramatically when we get rid of our manuals. This doesn’t mean we don’t make requests or otherwise create what we want. It just means we don’t tie our emotions to what they do or don’t do. We ask without an emotional price to pay.

“You’ll find your that your life is enhanced by being around people who genuinely do things they want to do rather than doing things because you’re emotionally manipulating them. If you’re willing to give it a try, you’ll find that this changes everything.” TLCS

Tune in to discover what this looks like in a specific example: “We should go to bed at the same time” and what it might look like instead, as well as how this can allow you to increase connection, understanding, and intimacy within your relationship.

💕 Deise

P.S. Looking to work with a coach to create a better marriage without having to change your partner first?! 

Message me and let’s chat. 🔥💜 


Love this?  Be sure to subscribe on YouTube. Would love your help getting to 100 subscribers so I can get a customized URL for my channel! 😉


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  • How we have expectations we don’t even realize we have.
  • How our expectations affect not only our relationship with our spouse but also our relationship with ourselves.
  • How our expectations can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering in our lives.
  • What a manual is.
  • Why we don’t want to tie our emotions to someone else’s behavior.
  • The trouble with justifying our behavior.
  • Why we tend to keep our expectations even when nothing changes time after time.
  • Why it’s easier to blame than to change.
  • The importance of seeing the model we are in and deciding on purpose if it is helping us or not.
  • How it is FOR US to be “the one to change.”
  • The magic of curiosity.
  • The importance of tone.
  • The value in being able to see your thoughts as a story vs. THE facts.
  • How to get your power back.
  • The impact that can happen when making even just one mental shift.
  • An important question to ponder.
  • And more!


Transcript (with Screen Shots): Google Drive Document



Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!


Looking to take your relationship to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like.

Even if we don’t decide to work together, you’ll gain valuable insight just from talking with me.


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Relationships Are Thoughts

We think our relationships are dependent on how someone else behaves, but really, our relationship with someone is dependent on our expectations of them and how well we think they meet our expectations.

“We have so many rules for our relationships that we have stopped experiencing them and are locked into our expectations of how these relationships should be instead.” Brooke Castillo

Ultimately, the relationship we experience with another person is simply the thoughts we have about that other person.  This affects how *we* feel in the relationship and how *we* show up in the relationship.  

If we want to improve our relationships, it’s imperative we shift our focus from what we can’t control (the other person) to what we can control (ourselves) and raise awareness around how our thoughts about the other person are affecting the way WE show up in the relationship.  

Then, we get to decide on purpose if that is how we want to keep showing up or not, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.

Doing this work helps us move from what is known as “emotional childhood” into “emotional adulthood” – taking responsibility for what is ours and leading in our own lives.  Of course, this up-levels the quality of our relationships and overall life experience, too.

Tune in below to learn more!

💕 Deise


P.S. Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!



Subscribe: YouTube | SoundCloud


  • What a relationship is.
  • What gets between two people in a relationship.
  • The difference between what we can control and what we can’t control in a relationship.
  • What we think creates how we feel in relationships vs. what actually creates how we feel in our relationships.
  • Why we end up trying to control the other person’s behavior.
  • What relationships are dependent on and why that’s the best news ever.
  • How one person has the power to change any relationship.
  • Why we don’t have to depend on our partner to meet our needs and desires for us to feel the way we want to feel.
  • What actually happens when we withhold love.
  • Examples of what can happen for *us* when we think the other person doesn’t care / when we don’t see ourselves as equal.
  • The importance of meeting ourselves with curiosity and compassion.
  • Where to go from here.
  • And more!


Transcript (with Screen Shots): Google Drive Document



Looking to take your personal growth to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like.

Even if we don’t decide to work together, you’ll gain valuable insight just from talking with me.


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You’re Already Her

One thing I’ve always wanted??

To be more flexible.

I remember back to like the 5th or 6th grade when they would have us do those presidential tests or whatever they were called in PE. (Anyone else know what I’m talking about?!?)

You know – where they had you do a series of different tests and then you got a ribbon or award or something depending on where you fell in the numbers… I seem to recall blue was the best?? But it is all very vague in my memory and I may, in fact, have all of the details completely wrong. 😆😂

What I do remember quite clearly, though, is how I felt the first time I DIDN’T get the highest level award for my fitness.

I remember the toe touching stretch… me sitting on the ground in front of the box with the ruler on it, with my legs stretched out in front of me and leaning forward with my hands to see how far up the ruler I could reach.

And I remember that no matter how hard I tried or how hard I pushed, I couldn’t reach the required mark on the ruler.

I remember, too, the first time I couldn’t do all the pull-ups or climb the rope and touch the knot at the top.

I remember the embarrassment I felt with peers watching and all the shame and disappointment around “not good enough.”

And I remember taking on the beliefs of “not flexible,” “not strong,” and “not athletic” from that point forward.

Like as if these were character traits – ones that made me “less than” – and not a changeable thing. 😆

Like “Hi, My name is Deise. I have brown eyes and I’m not flexible.”

But that IS how I saw it. And, as a result, dreaded PE classes and limited my involvement in sports and physical activity as much as possible. Volleyball and clogging were the only exceptions. But even those were filled with lots of stress and anxiety.

f course, limiting my involvement led to less flexibility, less strength, and less athletic ability… eventually culminating in major lower back issues near the end of my first pregnancy and beyond. 😆

That’s how self fulfilling prophecy works.

I still don’t identify with these words as the primary descriptors for me. And what’s amazing is even when I was really active in Beachbody coaching and really fitting that “mold” even more, I still didn’t see myself this way. I was more fit and strong and flexible and athletic than I’ve ever been (and still am pretty fit!). But rather than seeing myself as strong, fit, flexible, and athletic, you know where my brain went??

“You’re a fraud.”

“You’re a fraud because you look like all these things, but you’re really not.”

“You’re deceiving people.”

Thoughts like these are why most changes don’t last. Because we change the actions and the outside appearance, but without a change in the underlying belief system about ourselves and who we are as a person, it’s mentally too uncomfortable to stay there.

Something has to give.

Either the actions have to give to align with the original beliefs about self (hello self-sabotage!), or the beliefs about self have to shift to align with the new actions / results / perception of reality.

What I know now is that these thoughts are just a sign of cognitive dissonance, meaning there are sets of beliefs in the brain that contradict each other.

What I’m playing with in my mind, too, is that perhaps it is also that one set of beliefs has been claimed, but the other has not…

The idea of duality in all things… that idea we are everything and nothing all at once.

The idea that you can’t have strength without weakness, or weakness without strength. Two sides of the same coin.

The idea that you can’t have good without bad or lightness without darkness.

I actually find it really empowering sometimes to believe BOTH, in a way that neither are triggering.

The issue isn’t that I’m not strong or flexible or athletic.

The issue is that I have a tendency to claim the ways that I am NOT all of those, while also having a tendency to deny the ways I AM all of those.

Because I think I am NOT by default… believing anything else will feel “fradulent” at first and my brain will want to self sabotage back to what I already believe about myself on default.

Where this really got me was when I thought about my sisters who played sports in high school. No matter what they do or don’t do, they will always be “athletic” in my mind. 🧐🤨🤔

Fascinating, right??

Identifying myself as strong and fit and flexible and athletic and active – ultimately that is a mindset shift – and it STARTS with claiming the ways that I ALREADY AM and have been those things all along.

This is something I’ve been working on since January of this year, when I first noticed (or perhaps re-noticed?) some of the underlying beliefs I had about myself.

And before changing a thing… I started to shift my mindset just by starting to notice and claim and own the ways I ALREADY WAS the way I wanted to be.

This squat in the picture included with this post… one could make it mean that I am flexible… or that I am not so flexible… depending on who or what you compare to. (It is for sure a stretch for me to get here and I can’t maintain balance for more than a few seconds before I tip over. LOL.)

I am flexible. And I am not. It’s really easy for me to claim the latter. And I’m in the process of really claiming and owning the former. 😉

Whatever it is you want to see more of in yourself – start first with seeing the ways that you ALREADY ARE it.

You are already her.

Reclaim it and own it.

And then keep building more evidence for it, little by little, day by day…

Until one day you wake up, and you notice it just IS how you think about yourself on default.

💕 Deise


Looking to take your personal growth to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like.

Even if we don’t decide to work together, you’ll gain valuable insight just from talking with me.


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“Your Only Job Is to Get Really Clear About What You Want”

I went to an event earlier this month that touched me in a really powerful way.

It was a networking event, and another life coach spoke on setting goals and putting plans into action.

My biggest take-away from her speech was this:


It was a such a good reminder to me about how simple it is to create a life we love – as simple as asking ourselves “What do I want?” and “What would I love?!” and then coming from that place as we move forward and take action in our lives.

Of course, just because something is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy.

If you identify as a people pleaser and perfectionist, chances are that you tend to experience a lot of guilt and shame when it comes to wanting.

It wasn’t always this way, of course.

As kids, we all lived with our hearts wide open. We knew what we wanted and we communicated that, though perhaps not always in a way preferred by the adults in our lives. 😉 Lol.

But then, as time went on, we adopted beliefs, fears, culture, experience, and so on that got in the way of wanting being easy for us.

Here’s some examples of things we may believe about wanting:

1️⃣ Wanting is scary. There’s no guarantee I’ll get what I want or be able to make it happen.

2️⃣ I shouldn’t want.

… Wanting is “selfish.”

… Wanting is indulgent or “childish.”

… Wanting is ungrateful. I should be more grateful for what I have.

3️⃣ If I want something, I need to be able to justify it somehow.

4️⃣ I never get what I want.

5️⃣ I don’t know what I want.

These limiting beliefs can keep us from wanting or make it hard for us to want.

When we clear out the beliefs we have about wanting that aren’t helping us, we open the door for being able to want more, which leads to us creating more of what we want in our lives. And who doesn’t want that?!

This process also helps us connect more with ourselves and our own hearts. In my opinion, that’s all any of us really wants, anyways. Everything comes back to how we feel.

But I digress.

For now, I want you to take away just one simple thing – and that is this…

“An important part of having what we want is knowing what we want and learning to want. Wanting is the magic!!” – Molly Claire

Let’s repeat that last bit…

WANTING is the magic.

When we create our lives from a place of being grounded and centered in what we truly want – that’s when we have alignment and steady momentum to move us forward.

That’s when we create what we WANT in our lives.

I can’t wait to share more with you on this topic. Until then, notice how you feel about wanting.

What comes up for you?

I’d love to hear.

💕 Deise

Do you struggle with wanting? With knowing what you want, or doing what you want, or feeling like you should or shouldn’t want this or that?

I know the struggle. My brain on default leans toward perfectionist and people pleasing mindsets that having me doing things I think I should want… and then beating myself up for not doing them. Which is why it is so important for me to be the watcher of my brain and decide on purpose who I want to be and how I want to show up in my life.

Coaching has transformed my life because I have tools (and coaches!!) to support me in getting clarity about what I want, to connect with myself more – my own heart and my own voice, and to unpack all the guilt and shame that gets in the way of me being able to align with and do what it is that I really want to do. To want what I want and really give myself permission to be all in on that.

I LITERALLY physically made myself sick last year working through some of these mindsets. I was sick more last year than I have been in YEARS before that. It was not always easy. But dang, was it worth it. My growth has been explosive the past year (and even just the past month!!).

I love my life so much more than I even did before.

Course that doesn’t mean I love every little thing in my life 100%. But I keep raising the water level of where my average vibe lies.

Working with coaches I love has made all the difference. I get coached at a minimum of twice a week (sometimes more!!) and I do my own coaching.

I used to think change takes forever… turns out that was only the only case when I believed I needed to be able to figure it out all on my own… too ashamed to ask for help. 

Having outside, loving perspective is powerful.

If you relate to any of this, please know that you do not need to figure it out all on your own.

Your “secrets” are not shameful, and neither are you. And, it is SO. MUCH. MORE. FUN. to make the changes you want when you don’t have to do it all alone and when you are working with a coach (or two!) you love (or any other person you choose to help support you!!).

Would you love to work with me?!

Chances are I’d love to work with you, too. 😉

There is no way to no for sure if we’re a fit without getting on a call to talk about what you want and how I can help you – and answer any questions you have.

Take the first step. Move through that fear. Give yourself the gift of support beyond yourself.

All the love and joy you crave starts in creating a magnetic relationship with YOURSELF.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. The more you trust you have your own back and know that nobody can hurt you emotionally but you… the more you realize you can handle any emotion… the more you LOVE being in your own body… the more you are willing to put yourself out there to do the “scary” things, and the more you can open your heart to the world and express yourself in the way you most deeply desire.

Start with YOU. So you can connect with and follow your own heart. Whatever that looks like for YOU.

“It takes courage to grow up and be who you REALLY are.” E.E. Cummings.

That’s been one of my favorite quotes for years.

We’re always going to have fears. Courage helps us move through them and act from what we WANT instead of from what we fear.

And, when we act from what we WANT… we create what we want.

It feels like magic, but it’s not. 😉

When you’re ready, book a free consult here:

See you there!!


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Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Broken?

I’ve been thinking lately about the idea of wholeness… in part because of a book I started reading (“The Soul of Money”) and in part because of this quote, “We’re all broken; that’s how the light gets in.”

I used to love that quote… back when I believed I was broken.


Now it doesn’t sit well with me.

It doesn’t serve me to believe I’m broken.

So, here’s what I choose to believe instead…

That we are all whole.

That not even one person is broken.

That the light doesn’t need to get in… because it is always already WITHIN.

And we don’t need to be broken for the light to get out, either.

The more connected we are to ourselves, the brighter the light just GLOWS.

From the INSIDE out.

It lights us up and has us experiencing our lives more and more with that sense of wholeness that we ALREADY are.

As the light glows brighter, it is naturally shared with others.

Feeling broken doesn’t mean we are actually broken. It simply means we aren’t connected to the wholeness that we already are.

You are worthy and whole, no matter what my friend.


You already have all the light you need within you.  The trick is in letting it OUT.

And the secret ingredient?

The secret ingredient is always love.

What walls do you have around your heart that are BLOCKING your light and your love from being expressed in the way that you desire?

What fears are holding you back?

And what would it be like if you didn’t have to work so hard to protect that big, beautiful heart of yours?

For years, my password to almost everything was some variation of the word “Heartbroken” – even when I otherwise seemed “happy” and in love.

We may genuinely think we are broken sometimes.  

We may genuinely believe that there is something wrong with us or that we are not enough or that we are broken.  

We may feel the pain of these things so deeply that they must be true…

But thinking these things are true doesn’t mean they are actually true.

We experience these things as true ONLY when we believe them to be true.

NOT because they are actually true.

I absolutely love this little graphic from Danielle LaPorte, because it so clearly illustrates how what we believe about ourselves affects what else we think, feel, and do in our lives.  

I invite you to take two minutes today to do this exercise for yourself and then choose consciously – on purpose – how you want to think about yourself going forward.

Notice how what you believe about yourself affects how you show up and how you experience your life.

Are you broken?

Or are you whole?

You get to decide – no matter what I or anyone else thinks.

Your opinion of you is the only one that really matters.

I invite you to see yourself as WHOLE. No matter what. Exactly as you are.

And then, I invite you to shine YOUR light, from the INSIDE out.

Little by little.

Because YOU matter!!

And because LOVE feels amazing. 🥰

💕 Deise

P.S.  This doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy basking in the light of others.  It just means we don’t NEED something outside of us to make us whole. 

P.P.S. The work that I do is all about helping moms see themselves as complete and whole, exactly as they are.  

It’s about helping moms tap into their sufficiency and the power they already have within them, so that they can create a life that is fueled primarily by love and passion, rather than being fueled mostly by stress, pressure, and overwhelm. 

This inner work is so important, because it impacts literally every other area of our lives, including our relationships with our husband and kids (and others!!), our physical health, our ability to have fun in life, and the way we spend our time.  

Seeing ourselves as whole and living from a place of sufficiency allows us to create so much more of what we truly desire in our lives… and to feel as good about it on the inside as it looks on the outside.

If we want to deepen our connection with others and expand our impact, we must first deepen our connection with ourselves.

I can help you with this.  Simply click here to send me a message with any questions you have and I’ll get right back to you.

When you’re ready to take this work to the next level, simply click the button below to learn more about what it would be like to work with me as your private 1:1 coach.


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How I Helped My Son When He Was Feeling Sad

Earlier today, my oldest came into the room looking for me, super sad and crying because his brother had destroyed something he made.

I invited him to come in and sit on my lap.

I told him it was okay to feel sad and just held him.

Of course he feels sad! I’d feel sad, too.

As he cried, he told me he was hungry and wanted to go eat.

I told him that sometimes we want to eat when we are sad because it distracts us from the sadness, but that doesn’t fix the sadness – and then asked him, “How about we tend to the sadness first, and then if you are still hungry, you can eat something?”

Through his tears and gasps for air, he told me he couldn’t and that he didn’t know how.

I told him, “Let’s just sit here and give the sadness some love.”

And then, I asked him to relax and just tell me how sad felt – and I guided him with some simple questions.

Me: “Where do you feel the sadness in your body?”

Him: (Loudly and frantically, while moving his hands all over his body) “Everywhere! All over my body!!”

Me: “Okay, great! How about telling me just one spot where you feel it?”

Him: (Pointing to his gut) “Right here!!”

Me: “Okay. Is it big or little?”

Him: “Big! Super duper big!! As big as the whole world!!!” (Ah brains, they can be dramatic sometimes! 😆)

Me: “Okay. What shape is it? A circle? A square? … “

Him: “A circle. A super duper big circle!”

Me: “Okay. Is it heavy or light?”

Him: “Heavy. Sooooo heavy.”

Me: “Okay. Now, I want you to see if you can breathe some love to that sadness. Take a slow, deep breath in and see if you can get the air all the way down to that sadness.”

Him: (Breathing)

Me: “Great. How is the sadness feeling now?”

Him: “A little bit better.”

Me: “Ok. Give it some more love. Take another breath. A bigger breath, and see if you can get it all the way to that sadness.”

Him (Taking more breaths, and then pointing to his leg above his knee): “Now the sadness is all the way down to here!”

Me: “Great! See if you get your breath all the way down there.”

Him: “All the way?!”

Me: “Yep!”

Him: (Taking more breaths, and then pointing to his toes) “Now it’s all the way down to here!”

Me: “Wow! Okay. Take another breath and see if you can get the air all the way to your toes!”

Him: (Breathing)

Me: “Now how does the sadness feel?”

Him (A little confused): “Hmm…. It’s all gone!!”

Me: “You feel better?”

Him: “Ya!”

Me: “Yep! When you’re feeling sad, you can give yourself a little extra love with your breath, and that will help you feel better – even if the feeling stays with you. And you can do that with anything you’re feeling!”


It’s challenging to hold space for our children’s emotions when we have a hard time holding space for our own emotions – because their “negative” emotions can be triggers for us in thinking we need to fix it or make it go away to be a “good” parent. It can bring up our own subconscious judgment of ourselves as parents, and then what happens (that we don’t even realize is happening!!) is that really we are wanting our kids to “feel better” so that WE feel better.

Most of us have never been taught this. We’ve never been taught much of anything about our emotions besides the labels themselves (you know… happy, sad, angry, etc…) – let alone what to do with those feelings when we’re in them. We’ve never been taught how to process emotion in a way that serves us, or how to use our emotions to create the life experience we most desire. So, of course, we don’t know what to do when are kids have emotions, either!

Enter life coaching! Life coaching teaches us all kinds of tools to help us experience life in a completely different way, where we feel more empowered and in charge of our lives and less like life just “is the way it is” or like life is just happening to us.

Now, conversations about emotions with my kids don’t always go like this. I am a human after all! And sometimes I totally flip my lid and act out my own negative emotions instead of being able to sit with whatever is coming up for me while holding space for whatever is coming up for them. (And often in these cases, after the fact, I then get coaching!! To understand what happened in my brain and make more conscious decisions going forward.)

It is a practice.

That being said, each time I have a conversation like this, I’m reminded of what a beautiful practice it is, and remain in awe of all the love and connection I feel after the experience.

On top of that, I’m totally fascinated by how easy and natural it is for my child to go into his body and describe his feelings to me with such detail. BLOWS. MY. MIND. every time.

If my 5 year old can do this – you can too. 

It’s seems scarier than it actually is. (Took me over 6 months after joining a coaching program to actually try this!!) Our brains are afraid we can’t handle it. But, we are MADE to handle emotion my friends. And all self confidence really is is being willing to fail and knowing you can handle any emotion.

So, this my friends, is how to feel an emotion. Sit with it. Go into your body. Lean in. Breathe. Feel it – as in, feel what it feels like as sensations in your body. Breathe some more. Pay attention to how it changes. Keep breathing.

Know that feeling your emotions doesn’t have to look like anything.

Keep breathing and let it be there for as long as it wants to stay.

Doing this will help your body process the emotion faster than if you are resisting it, reacting to it / acting it out, or avoiding it.

If you have questions about this, send me a message!

Learning just this one tool and applying it can completely change your life.

After all, EVERY THING we do or don’t do is because of how we feel. #truestory

Mastering your emotions helps you master your life. And empowering our kids with these tools changes their lives forever, too.

If you’d like more personalized help learning tools like this that you can apply to yourself and teach to your kids, let’s chat!

You can book a free consult at

💕 Deise

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Dish Drama, Part 2

Today’s post is a continuation of yesterday’s post! Yesterday, we talked about drama my client had around dishes and her child. Today, I want to talk about drama she had when it came to those same dishes and her husband.

Now, before we start out, I want to take a moment to note that there is no right or wrong answer about what to do here. Only options! For example, there is the option of doing the dishes and being ok with the child being upset while you do it if need be, there is the option of finding creative ways to involve the child in the task of doing the dishes, there is the option of letting the dishes sit and spending time with the child, and there is always the option of just not doing the dishes. And, with this last option, just because you don’t do them doesn’t have to mean they don’t get done (though that is also an option, ha!) – another family member could help with the dishes or you could even hire someone to come do the dishes if you wanted to. There is never anything that you have to do – everything we do or don’t do is always our choice.

So, now that we’ve set that stage, it’s also important to note that all of the options I came up with here are actions, meaning we would put them in the A-Line of the Model. The same actions done from different energies create different results. That is, imagine if you are feeling excited while taking any of these actions. Excited is going to create a completely different experience for you than if you are feeling sad taking these actions.

Make sense?

Okay then.

Let’s get back to our conversation.

During the session with my client, she felt like what she wanted to do was do the dishes quick, allow her son to have his own experience of that, and then spend time with him. At this point, because I like to explore the options with my clients, I asked her, out of curiosity, if she felt like that was what had to happen if she wanted to be able to present with her child.

Her answer was yes. And I think this happens for a lot of us, right? We feel the need to get things done so we don’t have to think about the things that need to be done while we’re with our kids. So we can be more present with them and engage with them more. But, then, the problem is that there are always things to be done and we beat ourselves up for not managing it all better so we could show up the way we want to mentally for our kids.

Can you relate?!

Often, it doesn’t even occur to us that dishes could be in the sink (or some other task left undone) and it doesn’t have to mean that we are any less present with our kids, if that is what we want to choose in that particular scenario.

So, I asked my client what she would think about just leaving the dishes in the sink.

Her response was that mess doesn’t bother her, though she prefers it clean because it feels better. Her husband, however, likes the house very orderly, and her thoughts are that it stresses him out if the house isn’t that way. So, she then worries about what her husband will think.

And, like many of us, she has a tendency to make those dishes in the sink mean some painful things about herself.

Here were some of her thoughts:

  • I’m lazy.
  • I can’t manage the household.
  • I’m not a good partner to him.
  • I’m not pulling my weight.
  • I’m not earning the privilege to be with my kid.
  • I can’t keep up my end of things.
  • I should be doing more than I am.
  • I’m falling short.

Such painful thoughts for us to think about ourselves, ya? Imagine saying these sorts of things to a friend you love who has dishes in her sink (or some other such chore not yet completed).

  • You’re lazy.
  • You can’t manage your household.
  • You’re not a good partner to your husband.
  • You’re not pulling your weight.
  • You’re not earning the privilege to be with your kid.
  • You can’t keep up your end of things.
  • You should be doing more than you are.
  • You’re falling short.
  • No matter what you do, it’s not enough.

Phew. I can’t say for sure, but I’m willing to bet these are not the sorts of things you would say to your friend. And yet, these are the types of things we say to ourselves all the time. And then, we wonder why our relationship with ourselves suffers and why we can’t trust ourselves to follow-through. So, take a minute and image – what would you say to someone you love if their situation were exactly what yours was? How would that change the words you say?

Take time to do that exercise – and I’d love to hear what you come up with!

In the meantime, let’s walk through just one of the thoughts listed above – the one my client and I worked through together.

The circumstance in this scenario is simply that 1) there are dishes in the sink after dinner and 2) my client is on the couch with her son.

As my client imagines this scenario, she sees herself, again, thinking about the dishes while she’s with her son. Thinking, “I’m not a good partner.”

When she thinks that thought, she feels sad.

When she feels sad because she’s thinking she’s not a good partner, she becomes very introverted. She shuts down communication. She lets herself go to the place in her mind where she feels like maybe they’re just not a good, compatible couple. And then she gets more sad about that, and it spirals.

The result? The result, my friends, is that she takes actions that has her showing up as not a good partner (in terms of how she defines it).

So, she FIRST thinks she’s not a good partner and THEN takes actions to prove that true for herself.

This is really important, because this doesn’t mean that she is inherently not a good partner. But the brain is like a computer, and thoughts are like the programs or commands. When you tell a computer to execute a program or command, it does so. And our brains are the same way. When we believe a thought, the brain runs that model and ultimately creates evidence that thought is true.

We think the thought, “I’m not a good partner.” THEN, we feel a certain way. And, IF we act from that feeling, we create evidence for it. We make it MORE true for ourselves. Easier to believe. And then we look at our past and the actions we’ve taken and say, “SEE! I’m not a good partner.” But we aren’t even realizing that it is THAT THOUGHT that created that evidence in the first place.

It’s fascinating to think about. And again, it is the math for how self-fulfilling prophecies work. What we think about ourselves lays the blueprint for how we act going into our future. If we want to show up differently or create a different result for ourselves, it simply means thinking and believing differently. Simple doesn’t mean easy, but it is worth it!

Now, let’s keep going with this model, because I want to show you another thing that can happen here.

So often, when we have a thought like, “I’m not a good partner,” we can then have thoughts about that thought that aren’t serving us. In my client’s case, as she thought about this, her brain then wanted to go to defending herself and blaming her husband – cause her brain is viewing “I’m not a good partner” as a FACT instead of viewing it as an optional THOUGHT. (This is what our brains do by default!!)

When she thinks about how she “wasn’t a good partner,” she thinks, “He doesn’t notice all the good things I do.”

And, when she thinks this thought, she feels totally unappreciated. She feels short changed.

When she feels this way, she acts more defensively. She starts thinking about everything she does around the house that goes “unnoticed.” Anger pops up for her and she starts fighting with him in her mind. Then she bottles that up inside. Later on, she finds herself debating with her husband about things that aren’t that important at all, trying to prove she can do things or be right in some other facet of the world. She is more combative in conversation, playing devil’s advocate right off the bat and pointing out all the things that could go wrong.

The result? The result is that she also doesn’t notice or appreciate herself for the things she does AND she doesn’t notice all the good things her husband does. In fact, she puts herself in a place of working to make him wrong about things. All of this, of course, provides additional reasons for her to be able to keep thinking that her husband doesn’t notice all the good things she does.

Can you relate to this pattern?!

I know I can, ha!

Again, it is important to note here that the result is created by the thinking. Not by the dishes in the sink. Not by what the husband says or doesn’t say. Not by what the husband does or doesn’t do.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does; our thoughts, feelings, actions, and results are always on us. They are always our responsibility. And that is why coaching is so important, cause it is not the brain’s default to take responsibility. If our problems are someone else’s fault, there is nothing we can do. We get to play the victim card and we don’t have to do the work. Our brains see this as efficiency, and our brains like to be efficient!

But, here’s why this is the best news ever that it is our responsibility…

And that is because when we take full responsibility for all of our thoughts, feelings, actions, and results, we have the power to create whatever results we want to create in our life, and we’re not subject to the external world.

And that my friends? That is MAGIC.

In this scenario, when we realize that the husband CAN’T actually ever give us appreciation – that appreciation is always something we create FOR OURSELVES by the way we CHOOSE TO THINK – we then have the power to create more of what we want (appreciation) for ourselves, without needing anyone else to give it to us.

And, if you relate to any of what I have written here, let me ask you the same question I posed to my client: What would it be like to appreciate yourself more? To tell yourself thank you and really feel that?

When you are able to do that, you won’t need appreciation for your husband the way you think you do now. And, you’ll be able to decide for yourself if you are a good partner, regardless of what anyone else might actually think – including your husband.

When you choose how to spend your time consciously, with intention, and you like your reasons, you typically like how you show up. And when you are solid in all of that, it doesn’t matter what anyone things about it.

Inner peace is the ultimate reward.

Can you create more of that for yourself?

💕 Deise

P.S. If you’d like help figuring out the drama around the circumstances in your life, book a free session with me!!

The pilot program I’ve been doing is coming to an end next week, and I have spots opening starting the week after that. I’ll help you understand where you are now and where you want to go, including any obstacles that are in your way. We will talk about what your problem is and how to solve it. I will help you take this work to a new level.

Click here to book now; and if none of the available spots work for you, message me with your availability and I’ll do my best to find a time that works for both of us!


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Dish Drama, Part 1

Imagine one of those times when you just finished dinner. You want to do the dishes and get the kitchen all cleaned up so that part of your evening is behind you.

Perhaps you start doing dishes, but then a child wants your attention.

On the one hand, you may decide to let the dishes wait…but then it’s hard to get back to them. And in your brain, you’re thinking it’s going to take forever. You feel like things take longer to do than you think they will. And you feel bad about not having things done.

On the other hand, you may want to keep doing the dishes and get them done…but then your child is unhappy and you feel bad about prioritizing the dishes over spending time with them.

It seems no matter what you choose, you can’t win. And you may feel a variety of emotions, like frustration, guilt, and overwhelm.

This is a real life scenario I coached a client a couple months ago. I want to share some of what we talked about with you so that you can benefit from the experience as well and perhaps learn a little bit more about what the coaching experience is like.

Once a client has descried a problem to me, we take a few minutes to separate the thoughts from the facts (AKA, circumstances). As humans, our brains provide a lot of thoughts, and we can cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary suffering in instances where we are thinking our thoughts are facts.

So, with that, let’s take just a moment to differentiate between the two.

Circumstances are things that happen in the world that we cannot control, like other people, our past, and the weather. Circumstances are factual – strictly the facts – with no drama or opinions or subjectivity. They are neutral.

Thoughts are what we THINK about the facts. They are things that happen in our minds. They are sentences in our brains. It is important to note here that the root cause of ANY problem is always our thinking (and this is where we coach!!).

In the particular scenario provided above, the facts were that my client was a wife and a mom. She had one young son. The time of day was after dinner. There were dishes in the sink. Her husband went outside. She started doing dishes when her son asked asked for her attention.

Those are the facts – stated very neutrally – and something everyone would agree to be true. These are the circumstances for our coaching.

My client had a lot of thoughts happening within these circumstances. Here were some of her thoughts:

  • I can’t be in two places at once.
  • I’m choosing dishes over him.
  • I don’t want him to throw a tantrum.
  • I’m worried about what my husband will think if dishes aren’t done.

In coaching, we look at just one thought at a time, with the intention of raising our awareness of how our thoughts are affecting us and creating results in our lives. There is no right or wrong here – we raise our awareness around what we are thinking and then we get to decide it that is what we want to continue thinking intentionally, on purpose.

Let’s look at the first thought above. That is, “I can’t be in two places at once.”

When my client thought this thought, she felt frustrated and overwhelmed. And, when she felt this way, she would start to spin in survival mode self-talk. For her, this meant thinking about how she has so much to get done and yet not enough time to do it, thinking about how she feels she needs big chunks of time to get things done, and thinking about how her child needed her, too. Then, she would typically choose to go be with her child and let the dishes sit. But, while she is sitting with him, she is spinning in her brain about what she has to do and wondering when she’ll get it done – feeling like its either/or.

Now, the fun part of these exercises is taking a look at the result that is being created, because this is the part that is often outside of our awareness, and it also brings it all together.

See, our results always prove our thoughts true, and our brains are always looking for evidence to support the way we are thinking (this is called confirmation bias). The Model is the math for our self-fulfilling prophecy works. That is, we think a thought, which creates a feeling, which drives an action, which creates a result. And, that result always provides evidence for the original thought.

In this model, my client’s result was that she actually was in two places at once. She was physically present with her child, but mentally with the dishes. And this provided evidence for her thought, because it gave her more reason to keep thinking, “I can’t be in 2 places at once.”

She gets a similar result if she attempts to keep doing the dishes. She thinks, “I’m choosing dishes over him.” She feels guilty, so she then still decides to go be with him. But, again, she is physically present but mentally spinning in dishes and to-dos. So, even though she chose physically to be with him, mentally, she is “choosing dishes over him.” Thereby creating evidence that supports her original thought.

When she thinks she doesn’t want him to throw a tantrum, she feels anxious. Then, she gets really frustrated prematurely cause she feels like that tantrum is coming. And in this case, again, she ends up physically with her child but then spinning in her find thinking about dishes and all her frustrations. The result, of course, is that she is throwing a tantrum.

So fascinating how our minds do this, right?!

I can tell you my brain does the same thing.

Regarding each of these thoughts, you might argue, “But it’s true!” We can often make a case for our thoughts being true, because we’ve created evidence that helps make them more true. So, even if it is true, we really have to pay attention to a few things – namely, “Is this serving me?” and “Do I want to keep thinking this way and creating this result for myself?”

See, even if something is true – doesn’t mean you ever want to think it. How we choose to think about something lays the blueprint for our future.

For example, in the example above with the tantrum – it could be proven true that she doesn’t want him to throw a tantrum. But, notice that “tantrum” is a subjective word, and there are other ways to interpret a child’s behavior. When she interprets his behavior (or anticipated behavior) as a tantrum, she ends up throwing a tantrum. In this case, we talked about why a tantrum is a problem and how else a tantrum might be defined, and I loved her response. That is, “He’s having some big feelings that he doesn’t know how to express with words, and that’s okay.”

Notice that nothing changed about the circumstances or the child’s behavior. And yet, when she thought this way about his behavior, she felt immediate understanding. From this place she was able to find other options for how she was able to access other thoughts. Like how she wanted to be a peaceful presence and safe place for him (not a whirlwind of emotion herself).

From a place of understanding, she felt she had many options she could take with her son. She could redirect him to playing with a toy or allow him to experience those emotions he’s feeling and let him work through it. She could respond calmly and unattached, “Mommy has some things to get done right now and it won’t take long” while telling herself, “He’s feeling big emotions right now and that’s okay.” Or, she could decide that leaving the dishes in the sink is fine and give her son her full attention. (This brought up more thoughts around what she feared her husband would think, but we’ll save that discussion for another post!)

Her take-away from this session was that other people might be upset and that can be okay. That other people can be upset and she doesn’t have to be. That she can hold space for what she needs as well without having to enter into their actual emotion. That she can show support and hold space and be there for them in their moments.

This is the work of coaching my friends! It is a practice – not a one-and-done experience. But it is life changing. It is the work of freeing yourself from the chains of your own mind that you don’t even realize you have because it just feels like “the way it is.”

And, it is the work coaches do, as well. Coaches need coaches just like doctors need doctors. A brain surgeon would never perform surgery on his own brain!

We all benefit from taking a look at what is happening inside the most powerful tool that exists – our brains. And mental and emotional health is for EVERYONE. At least, that’s my opinion. 😉

If you have any questions you would like to ask, please reach out – I’d love to help!!

💕 Deise

P.S. If you’d like help raising awareness around what is happening in your own mind and taking this work to the next level, book a free session with me!!

The pilot program I’ve been doing is coming to an end next week, and I have spots opening starting the week after that. I’ll help you understand where you are now and where you want to go, including any obstacles that are in your way. We will talk about what your problem is and how to solve it.

Click here to book now; and if none of the available spots work for you, message me with your availability and I’ll do my best to find a time that works for both of us!


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When Life Feels Mundane

As a SAHM, do you ever feel like life is drudgery?

Like you just do the same thing day after day?

Like you have nothing to look forward to?

Does it leave you dreading your day?

Not wanting to get out of bed in the morning?

Do you feel like you move slower through your day, get less things done, and feel like you’re missing out on the fun?

Do you find yourself wondering where the day went and not looking forward to having to do it all again tomorrow?

If so, know that it’s not because your life is actually drudgery.

It’s because your brain serves up these THOUGHTS of “I have nothing to look forward to” and “I just do the same thing day after day” – and then you believe them and allow them to play on autopilot such that you THEN do the same thing day after day and don’t plan anything to look forward to.

The thoughts create feelings of drudgery / boredom / restlessness that then drive actions that create evidence to prove your thoughts true.

When I get stuck in a thought error loop like this, I love to just start asking myself questions that challenge my brain to explore other possibilities.

What if that’s not how today has to go?

What if I had something to look forward to today? What might that look like? What would I want to do? What if I did that today?

What would make today fun?

What could I love about today?

How could I enjoy this moment right now more? How is this fun?

It could be as simple as turning on some upbeat music, making time to go on a walk, or even just smiling more and making the “mundane” fun.

And, last but not least, perhaps remind yourself about who’s life will change because of what you are doing – because all of it changes lives.

Whose life are you changing, even in the smallest of ways?

💕 Deise

P.S. If you’d like help figuring out how to bring more life to your LIFE, book a free session with me!!

The pilot program I’ve been doing is coming to an end next week, and I have spots opening starting the week after that. I’ll help you understand where you are now and where you want to go, including any obstacles that are in your way. We will talk about what your problem is and how to solve it.

Click here to book now; and if none of the available spots work for you, message me with your availability and I’ll do my best to find a time that works for both of us!


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