Marriage Workshop / Coaching Event Replay: “He’s Irresponsible”

This is a replay from the first marriage workshop I did a few weeks ago (shared with attendee permission, of course!).  

Much of this is more like a coaching session, which is great so you can watch to get a feel for my coaching style and also hopefully take away a lot of great tips and tools to help you start improving your relationships NOW.

In this particular situation, we talk about an example where a friend of mine felt irritated because her husband didn’t put their kids to bed when she wanted him to, and more specifically, we dive into her thought that this meant he was irresponsible.

Have you ever felt this way?!

If so, you are not alone.  

Tune in to hear more – and while you are at it, be sure to check out the example worksheet included below (it’s free) that follows along with the video – so much value there!!

Enjoy!!

💕 Deise

P.S. Looking to work with a coach to create a better marriage without having to change your partner first?! 

Message me and let’s chat.  

WATCH NOW

Be sure to check out the example worksheet included below (it’s free) that follows along with this video – so much value there!!

Love this?  Be sure to subscribe on YouTube. Would love your help getting to 100 subscribers so I can get a customized URL for my channel! 😉

LISTEN IN

Subscribe: YouTube | SoundCloud

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

  • What we think happens in relationships vs. what actually happens.
  • How having expectations and tying our response to the other person’s behavior affects us.
  • How our judgments of others tend to be a projection and reflect back in our own behavior
  • Ways to see our version of the story as just the story our brain is telling vs. the factual reality.
  • How to create a more intentional result when desired and cultivate a better relationship with our partners.
  • How it only takes ONE person to change a relationship (we can change our marriage relationships without having to change our partners first!)
  • And more!

EXAMPLE WORKSHEET

Example Worksheet: Google Drive Document

ENGAGE ON FACEBOOK

COME TO ONE OF MY EVENTS

Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!

COACH WITH ME

Looking to take your relationship to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like and we’ll get all of your questions answered.

There are no strings attached, and there is no pressure to work with me.  

This call will be well worth your time, no matter what you decide.

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“We Should Go to Bed at the Same Time”

A manual is anytime we have expectations of the other person and we are tying how we feel to what they do (or don’t do).

We think their behavior determines how we feel and want them to behave a certain way so we can feel happy and loved.

At the same time, we often don’t tell the other person what’s in our manual – thinking they should know and we shouldn’t have to ask – or we don’t even realize we have this manual for them in the first place.

It may seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be very damaging when our emotional happiness is directly tied to their behaving a certain way. We think we would be happier if someone else behaved a different way, but this isn’t the truth.

“Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something. No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others power to determine how we feel.” TLCS

When you subscribe to manuals, you put your emotions in the hands of others. And if those people don’t follow the manual (which they usually don’t!), then you are guaranteed to feel terrible. You then unknowingly blame the other person for how you feel, giving away control of your emotional life to someone else and cementing your own sense of powerlessness.

Relationships improve dramatically when we get rid of our manuals. This doesn’t mean we don’t make requests or otherwise create what we want. It just means we don’t tie our emotions to what they do or don’t do. We ask without an emotional price to pay.

“You’ll find your that your life is enhanced by being around people who genuinely do things they want to do rather than doing things because you’re emotionally manipulating them. If you’re willing to give it a try, you’ll find that this changes everything.” TLCS

Tune in to discover what this looks like in a specific example: “We should go to bed at the same time” and what it might look like instead, as well as how this can allow you to increase connection, understanding, and intimacy within your relationship.

💕 Deise

P.S. Looking to work with a coach to create a better marriage without having to change your partner first?! 

Message me and let’s chat. 🔥💜 

WATCH NOW

Love this?  Be sure to subscribe on YouTube. Would love your help getting to 100 subscribers so I can get a customized URL for my channel! 😉

LISTEN IN

Subscribe: YouTube | SoundCloud

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

  • How we have expectations we don’t even realize we have.
  • How our expectations affect not only our relationship with our spouse but also our relationship with ourselves.
  • How our expectations can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering in our lives.
  • What a manual is.
  • Why we don’t want to tie our emotions to someone else’s behavior.
  • The trouble with justifying our behavior.
  • Why we tend to keep our expectations even when nothing changes time after time.
  • Why it’s easier to blame than to change.
  • The importance of seeing the model we are in and deciding on purpose if it is helping us or not.
  • How it is FOR US to be “the one to change.”
  • The magic of curiosity.
  • The importance of tone.
  • The value in being able to see your thoughts as a story vs. THE facts.
  • How to get your power back.
  • The impact that can happen when making even just one mental shift.
  • An important question to ponder.
  • And more!

TRANSCRIPT (WITH SCREEN SHOTS)

Transcript (with Screen Shots): Google Drive Document

ENGAGE ON FACEBOOK

COME TO ONE OF MY EVENTS

Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!

COACH WITH ME

Looking to take your relationship to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like.

Even if we don’t decide to work together, you’ll gain valuable insight just from talking with me.

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Relationships Are Thoughts

We think our relationships are dependent on how someone else behaves, but really, our relationship with someone is dependent on our expectations of them and how well we think they meet our expectations.

“We have so many rules for our relationships that we have stopped experiencing them and are locked into our expectations of how these relationships should be instead.” Brooke Castillo

Ultimately, the relationship we experience with another person is simply the thoughts we have about that other person.  This affects how *we* feel in the relationship and how *we* show up in the relationship.  

If we want to improve our relationships, it’s imperative we shift our focus from what we can’t control (the other person) to what we can control (ourselves) and raise awareness around how our thoughts about the other person are affecting the way WE show up in the relationship.  

Then, we get to decide on purpose if that is how we want to keep showing up or not, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.

Doing this work helps us move from what is known as “emotional childhood” into “emotional adulthood” – taking responsibility for what is ours and leading in our own lives.  Of course, this up-levels the quality of our relationships and overall life experience, too.

Tune in below to learn more!

💕 Deise

 

P.S. Looking for a casual, safe place to learn more, apply what is taught here, and ask questions?  

Check out my Facebook Events page for upcoming free workshops.  Would love to see you there!

WATCH NOW

LISTEN IN

Subscribe: YouTube | SoundCloud

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

  • What a relationship is.
  • What gets between two people in a relationship.
  • The difference between what we can control and what we can’t control in a relationship.
  • What we think creates how we feel in relationships vs. what actually creates how we feel in our relationships.
  • Why we end up trying to control the other person’s behavior.
  • What relationships are dependent on and why that’s the best news ever.
  • How one person has the power to change any relationship.
  • Why we don’t have to depend on our partner to meet our needs and desires for us to feel the way we want to feel.
  • What actually happens when we withhold love.
  • Examples of what can happen for *us* when we think the other person doesn’t care / when we don’t see ourselves as equal.
  • The importance of meeting ourselves with curiosity and compassion.
  • Where to go from here.
  • And more!

TRANSCRIPT (WITH SCREEN SHOTS)

Transcript (with Screen Shots): Google Drive Document

ENGAGE ON FACEBOOK

COACH WITH ME

Looking to take your personal growth to the next level and curious what it would be like to have me as your coach?

Click here to setup a time to discuss what coaching with me would be like.

Even if we don’t decide to work together, you’ll gain valuable insight just from talking with me.

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We’re Not a Team

I just got done coaching one of my amazing clients, and I am feeling on fire.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love coaching?! Lol.

SO. MUCH. FUN.

Tonight I want to talk about what I helped her with – and that is this thought of “We’re not a team.”

Let’s talk context.

You’re married. You have a conversation with your husband that is around a “hot topic” or “problem area” in your marriage. Maybe it’s money. Or household responsibilities. Or just behavior in general. Ha!

No matter what the circumstance…words were said. And you left the conversation feeling hurt. Let down. Disappointed. Betrayed. Devastated. Or perhaps all of the above.

And, in these moments, our brains can offer us this thought…

We’re not a team.

Friends. This seems SO real. It feels SO true. It feels justified.

It’s a thought that I turned to and believed for well over half of my marriage to date.

My brain was very focused on all the ways he – my husband – was not showing up as he should. The things he should do differently. The things he should or shouldn’t say.

I just want us to be a team.

That sounds like such a great thought. But is it?

You’re going to have to test it for yourself and raise your awareness around it. In the meantime, let me share what I discovered for myself.

This thought of wanting us to be a team is based in believing “we’re not a team” is a fact.

But is it?!

Invite yourself to question this.

What does it even mean to me to be a team?

Why is this even important to me?

Let’s talk corporate for a minute. If you think about a “team” of people working together in the same department…are they only a team when everyone is getting along and everything is going perfectly? Does it mean no one ever feels hurt or that no one is ever taken by surprise or that people never disagree on courses of action to be taken?

100% no.

It doesn’t matter what is going wrong within that group of people – they’re still a team.

So, perhaps it isn’t accurate AT ALL to say “We’re not a team.”

After all, you’re MARRIED. Does it get more “team” than that?

It would be more accurate to say “we’re not acting like a team” or “we’re not a good team” – but even then we have to question if thinking that way serves us.

Still, even if “we’re not a good team” – we’re still a team.

As my client so eloquently put it at the end of our session, “Being married is about being together through thick and then. When the thin is coming out – I’m making that mean we’re not a team – but we’re still a team even when we’re going through the hard stuff.”

You and your husband are a team, no matter what.

And here’s why that really matters.

Because…

When YOU think “We’re not a team” – YOU feel an emotion – perhaps let down or disappointed. And when YOU feel that way, chances are that YOU show up in a way that is LESS like the team member YOU want to be if you believed “We are a team.” Perhaps you withdraw. Perhaps you become more cold toward your husband. More snappy. More bitter. Subtly trying to punish him. Feeling totally justified. Communicating with more tone. Feeling more frustration and spinning an endless number of thoughts about him.

And the result?

The result is that you are not acting like a team member. And, if you are not acting like a team member, OF COURSE that is going to create evidence for this belief of “We’re not a team” – because YOU’RE not acting like a team member! And also, how do you think your husband is going to be inclined to show up when you are acting that way toward him?

Now, this is nothing to judge ourselves for. Like I said, I lived here on and off for years. Ha!

But it is something worth getting curious about – because when we are focused so intently on someone else’s behavior, chances are we’re not paying attention to our own behavior. And what that means is that we are focused on what we CAN’T control (his behavior) vs. what we CAN control (our behavior).

When I made this shift from believing, at times, that “We’re not a team.” to believing “We’re a team, no matter what.” – my marriage shifted for me in a big way practically overnight.

It was unreal the impact of this one thought.

And so, my friends, if you want to love your marriage more, or even just love how you show up more, I challenge you to take a look at this if you see it coming up in your life. Not for your husband, but for you. Cause you’re the one who gets to experience ALL of your emotions, no matter who they are directed at. And because maybe you’d like to feel better in your marriage for you.

You have all the power to do that without changing anything about your husband.

And, if your experience is anything like mine, your marriage will just keep getting better and better, too.

💕 Deise

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