A manual is anytime we have expectations of the other person and we are tying how we feel to what they do (or don’t do).
We think their behavior determines how we feel and want them to behave a certain way so we can feel happy and loved.
At the same time, we often don’t tell the other person what’s in our manual – thinking they should know and we shouldn’t have to ask – or we don’t even realize we have this manual for them in the first place.
It may seem justified to have expectations of other people, but it can be very damaging when our emotional happiness is directly tied to their behaving a certain way. We think we would be happier if someone else behaved a different way, but this isn’t the truth.
“Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something. No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others power to determine how we feel.” TLCS
When you subscribe to manuals, you put your emotions in the hands of others. And if those people don’t follow the manual (which they usually don’t!), then you are guaranteed to feel terrible. You then unknowingly blame the other person for how you feel, giving away control of your emotional life to someone else and cementing your own sense of powerlessness.
Relationships improve dramatically when we get rid of our manuals. This doesn’t mean we don’t make requests or otherwise create what we want. It just means we don’t tie our emotions to what they do or don’t do. We ask without an emotional price to pay.
“You’ll find your that your life is enhanced by being around people who genuinely do things they want to do rather than doing things because you’re emotionally manipulating them. If you’re willing to give it a try, you’ll find that this changes everything.” TLCS
Tune in to discover what this looks like in a specific example: “We should go to bed at the same time” and what it might look like instead, as well as how this can allow you to increase connection, understanding, and intimacy within your relationship.
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WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
- How we have expectations we don’t even realize we have.
- How our expectations affect not only our relationship with our spouse but also our relationship with ourselves.
- How our expectations can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering in our lives.
- What a manual is.
- Why we don’t want to tie our emotions to someone else’s behavior.
- The trouble with justifying our behavior.
- Why we tend to keep our expectations even when nothing changes time after time.
- Why it’s easier to blame than to change.
- The importance of seeing the model we are in and deciding on purpose if it is helping us or not.
- How it is FOR US to be “the one to change.”
- The magic of curiosity.
- The importance of tone.
- The value in being able to see your thoughts as a story vs. THE facts.
- How to get your power back.
- The impact that can happen when making even just one mental shift.
- An important question to ponder.
- And more!
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