We’re Not a Team

I just got done coaching one of my amazing clients, and I am feeling on fire.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love coaching?! Lol.


Tonight I want to talk about what I helped her with – and that is this thought of “We’re not a team.”

Let’s talk context.

You’re married. You have a conversation with your husband that is around a “hot topic” or “problem area” in your marriage. Maybe it’s money. Or household responsibilities. Or just behavior in general. Ha!

No matter what the circumstance…words were said. And you left the conversation feeling hurt. Let down. Disappointed. Betrayed. Devastated. Or perhaps all of the above.

And, in these moments, our brains can offer us this thought…

We’re not a team.

Friends. This seems SO real. It feels SO true. It feels justified.

It’s a thought that I turned to and believed for well over half of my marriage to date.

My brain was very focused on all the ways he – my husband – was not showing up as he should. The things he should do differently. The things he should or shouldn’t say.

I just want us to be a team.

That sounds like such a great thought. But is it?

You’re going to have to test it for yourself and raise your awareness around it. In the meantime, let me share what I discovered for myself.

This thought of wanting us to be a team is based in believing “we’re not a team” is a fact.

But is it?!

Invite yourself to question this.

What does it even mean to me to be a team?

Why is this even important to me?

Let’s talk corporate for a minute. If you think about a “team” of people working together in the same department…are they only a team when everyone is getting along and everything is going perfectly? Does it mean no one ever feels hurt or that no one is ever taken by surprise or that people never disagree on courses of action to be taken?

100% no.

It doesn’t matter what is going wrong within that group of people – they’re still a team.

So, perhaps it isn’t accurate AT ALL to say “We’re not a team.”

After all, you’re MARRIED. Does it get more “team” than that?

It would be more accurate to say “we’re not acting like a team” or “we’re not a good team” – but even then we have to question if thinking that way serves us.

Still, even if “we’re not a good team” – we’re still a team.

As my client so eloquently put it at the end of our session, “Being married is about being together through thick and then. When the thin is coming out – I’m making that mean we’re not a team – but we’re still a team even when we’re going through the hard stuff.”

You and your husband are a team, no matter what.

And here’s why that really matters.


When YOU think “We’re not a team” – YOU feel an emotion – perhaps let down or disappointed. And when YOU feel that way, chances are that YOU show up in a way that is LESS like the team member YOU want to be if you believed “We are a team.” Perhaps you withdraw. Perhaps you become more cold toward your husband. More snappy. More bitter. Subtly trying to punish him. Feeling totally justified. Communicating with more tone. Feeling more frustration and spinning an endless number of thoughts about him.

And the result?

The result is that you are not acting like a team member. And, if you are not acting like a team member, OF COURSE that is going to create evidence for this belief of “We’re not a team” – because YOU’RE not acting like a team member! And also, how do you think your husband is going to be inclined to show up when you are acting that way toward him?

Now, this is nothing to judge ourselves for. Like I said, I lived here on and off for years. Ha!

But it is something worth getting curious about – because when we are focused so intently on someone else’s behavior, chances are we’re not paying attention to our own behavior. And what that means is that we are focused on what we CAN’T control (his behavior) vs. what we CAN control (our behavior).

When I made this shift from believing, at times, that “We’re not a team.” to believing “We’re a team, no matter what.” – my marriage shifted for me in a big way practically overnight.

It was unreal the impact of this one thought.

And so, my friends, if you want to love your marriage more, or even just love how you show up more, I challenge you to take a look at this if you see it coming up in your life. Not for your husband, but for you. Cause you’re the one who gets to experience ALL of your emotions, no matter who they are directed at. And because maybe you’d like to feel better in your marriage for you.

You have all the power to do that without changing anything about your husband.

And, if your experience is anything like mine, your marriage will just keep getting better and better, too.

💕 Deise


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1 Comment

  1. Soo good (as always!). I have definitely said this so many times to my husband, and it’s never a good feeling. Mostly it comes out when I’m talking about parenting. When I’ve said it, I am definitely trying to say that we aren’t putting in equal weight on an issue but a) I should just say that if I feel like that and b) it doesn’t make us less of a team. Love this. THank you!

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